the cross you carry

***trigger warning***

this post is about depression. I don't know whether it will negatively affect your mental health or not so read at your own risk.

I wish

I wish I could heal. your. hurt.

I wish I could follow the sound of your broken heart beating

And make it whole

People hurt you

Used you

Abused you

And you carry that pain all alone

Jesus had Simon of Cyrene but you don’t have anyone

You won’t let anyone help you carry your

Big

Heavy

Cross

The weight of it would kill anyone else

It almost killed you

So many times

But you

Precious you

You are determined to carry it alone to spare anyone who might try to help you the pain of carrying it.

You think you are helping

Maybe you are

But I feel helpless watching you

Seeing you struggle

Seeing you in pain

You hurt

I hurt

You bleed

My heart bleeds too

And somehow in the midst of it all we’ve never been closer or farther apart.

You think you know best

Maybe you do

I know if I have to watch you suffer one more second I’ll

cry

die

So I

Turn away

Pray you survive.

You come to me with this huge weight on your back

Tears streaming down your face

But if I ask you about it

You apologize

Turn away

Pretend it’s not there so I have to pretend too

But that's not fair to me and it's not fair to you

Your cross is an elephant in the room,  a secret we can’t share

I hate it for being there.

I have to remind myself not to hate you too

It's not your fault

You didn't make it

Life gave it to you

I just need you to admit it’s real, even for one second

Let me take it from you

Let me help you hold it

Let me be the one person you don’t have to hide from.

I’ll probably regret it

I’ll definitely regret it

But it will be worth it

For you

I’d do anything

For you

If you would let me but you never do. 

Unrequited Love

The thoughts of His Heart are from generation to generation: To deliver their souls from death, and feed them in famine. {Psalm 32:11, 19}*

“This is a feast of unrequited love.”

Let that sink in for a moment. Ouch, okay now back away from that thought. Drop it like a hot potato. No matter who you are, no matter what your calling in life, no matter whether you are male or female, I’m betting you know what unrequited love feels like. We all do.

It might have been the crush who never liked you back.

The person who never responded to your overtures of friendship.

The parent who you couldn’t please.

The child who doesn’t appreciate anything you do.

The spouse who leaves you feeling lonely.

The friend who never calls/texts back.

The person who left your life with no explanation.

We’ve all been there. On some level, we have all experienced unrequited love. And goodness, does it hurt.

“Today is a feast of unrequited love.”

I challenge you to take those feelings that come from your unrequited love, to dig them up from wherever they are safely buried in your mind, and to re examine them in the light of His heart. His broken, bleeding heart. Celebrating these feelings might seem impossible but recognize them for what they are; a rare insight into the mysteries of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

My heart hath expected reproach and misery: and I looked for one that would grieve together with Me, but there was none: and for one who would comfort Me, and I found none. {Psalm 68:21}*

You have felt what He feels. He has felt what you feel. Let today be the day that you comfort each other. His heart bleeds for you and I….and we try to drown out the sound of our own bleeding hearts with Netflix instead of turning to Him.

Late have I loved You, O Beauty, so ancient so new, late have I loved You!

St. Augustine

Today is a feast of unrequited love. Mourn it with Him. Celebrate it with Him. Unite yourself to Him through it. Let Him love you. Love Him back.

V: Cor Jesu sacratíssimum.

R: Miserére nobis.

Pax Vobis.

May Thy holy mysteries, O Lord Jesus, impart to us divine fervor: wherein we may taste the sweetness of Thy most loving Heart, and learn to despise what is earthly and love what is heavenly: Who livest and reignest.*

*these are prayers from today’s feast, The Sacred Heart of Jesus (pg. 718), the Introit, Offertory and Postcommunion, taken from the 1962 Daily Missal.

I don't know what I'm doing

It’s 9am on a Saturdaaay, the regular crowd trickles in

Most people here are commuting to work

Coffee helps them feel human agaaaain

Where: Dunkin’ Donuts across the street from Holy Family Catholic Church

When: 9am on a Friday

Who: Me :)

There is a line filling the entire store, someone just tried to walk off with someone else’s coffee, some lady and her kid are all over the place bumping into everyone and standing right in front of the door and the atmosphere is filled with the unstable joviality that will come crashing down as soon as a customer doesn’t receive their coffee/sugar fix quickly enough.

And that, my friends, is when the window washers walk in. Now in addition to tying not to trip over anyone’s feet or children, there are sudsy buckets of water on the floor to avoid too. A crew of men wearing bright green proceeds to get in everyone’s way and thoroughly scrub and shine the windows. It’s like a scene from a comedy. The cacophony and chaos are stupendous. Nobody knows what to make of the window washers. Nobody can remember what they ordered. But hey, at least it smells good in here right?

And then just like that, the window washers finish and exit. Everyone receives their orders they have been waiting on for the last 10 minutes and there is a rush to get to the door, to complete the final leg in the morning commute. I am one of the last people left standing inside and the sudden silence is breathtaking.

Just, you know, a regular morning in Florida. Yes, folks, this is the long anticipated update on how I am doing here.

How do I like it here? I don’t. Jacksonville, to put it mildly, sucks. For those of you back home, think of Portsmouth and then imagine it on a much larger scale with worse drivers; now you have a little insight into the place I now call home.

"We don't know what we're doing, but we're getting good at it."

Mother Angelica 

That being said, my soul really likes it here. (I realize this is a strange way of putting it but it also makes the most sense.) Deep inside of myself, I am content. Happy, even. At peace. This is where God wants me. I am here doing His will; here is where I’m meant to be. It makes no sense but I find myself quite incapable of planning on leaving a place I don’t even like. Following God tends to do that to me. Jacksonville Florida, for the foreseeable future, is a match made in heaven and I ain’t gonna mess with something good.

There are lots of bugs here. I have learned not to look up when I leave the house early in the morning; the cluster of insects that lives in/near the front porch light leaves my stomach turning and wishing I could be back inside, safely in bed. There is a green frog that lives on the front porch. There are snakes, lizards, geckos, newts and all sorts of amphibious life everywhere; I find myself almost stepping on all sorts of things during my runs. Last week, I saw my first alligator.

It is still so odd for me to be the new person. Everyone typically assumes I am a college student before I set them straight. For the first time in my life, I am bolding telling people I relocated a day’s journey from everything I know because God told me to.

“what brings you to florida?”

“God wants me here.”

There is a freedom that accompanies admitting you aren’t in control of your own life. My heart might not be happy to be here but my soul has been given wings.

They shall soar on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not grow faint.

I go to Mass at 7am when I can. I am succeeding as often as I fail for putting the baby down for a nap now. I have a carseat in the back of my car. I have my own personal cheerleading squad that jumps up and down with excitement every time I come home. I am realizing afresh how impatient and imperfect I am. My failures dismay me but the good news is, I am much too busy throughout the day to dwell on it; I make a firm purpose of amendment and ask for the grace to do better tomorrow.

Best of all is being here with Jiza. It has been years since I got to spend any decent amount of time with her. I used to pray Mark would get transferred back to Norfolk so I could hang out with his wife again; now years later, I am living out the answer to my prayers. They didn’t come to me, I came to them but I’m not picky so I’m not gonna complain about it.

I am near a beach. I have found a few decent cemeteries. When I was in a Chick-fil-A a couple weeks ago, it got searched by the police. I met someone in the confession line that grew up in Virginia Beach and used to go to St. Benedicts! Last weekend, I was supposed to have girl time with a sweet soul who is generously being my friend and showing me the good in Jacksonville; it turned into quality time with her husband and two other random wierdos (Alex and Mahlon, I hope you are reading this) too. We started by getting artisan donuts and ended up playing Carcassone in a coffee shop.

I miss mail boxes. I know that is an odd thing to say, but I think neighborhoods should have mailboxes and they don't here and it irks me. The house number next door is 12534. It drives me crazy. I wore a skirt with pink flowers on it two Sundays ago. The 4 yr old told me I looked "so pretty, just like a pig!" The 5 yr old informed me later the same day she liked my pig outfit. My pig outfit is definetly staying in Florida whenever I move next.

I've been asked about my husband. I've had someone approach me and ask if I was a Rastelli, two things I never imagined happening here, where nobody knows me.

Two more things before I end this ridiculously long update. Y’alls prayers are the freaking bomb dot com, yo! I appear to no longer be allergic to cats….

…..RIGHT?!?!?!? It’s a heckin’ miracle.

Since y’alls prayers worked soooooo well, I am unashamedly asking for more. I have two intentions very special, very close to my heart. Timing is everything so I am not going into specifics just yet but I promise, you will get the full update as soon as I feel led by God to let y’all know what’s up. It’s all good, but it’s gonna be a lot of work and I don’t know what I’m doing so yeah. The prayers would be appreciated. I know this is insanely cryptic but heck, I need the prayers mmkay?? :-)

Thus concludes my Florida update. Y’all are in my prayers. Miss ya. Love ya.

Pax vobis.

FOSO

I went to the beach this morning. It’s the thing to do in Florida. (Actually, I was at the beach all the time back home too.) I got there early. Packed “light”. Brought G. K. Chesterton’s Ballad of the White Horse. Wore a totally outrageous outfit as a cover up for my bathing suit. Like I always do.

Like I always do.

Always.

If you found out you were going to die in a week, how would your life change?

People’s answers vary for this all important question, but I have chosen to stick with my favorite.

My life wouldn’t change. Or; I am making the necessary changes now, so when my time comes I can say “I lived” instead of “I wish I had lived”.

If I am already taking every chance as if it’s my last and living everyday like it could be the last one, what do I have left to regret at the end of my earthly existence? Nothing, that's what. Depending on your perspective, this is either incredibly freeing or incredibly morbid.

"Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn." Sophie Scholl 

I’m not under any (many?) illusions about myself. I know I’m not perfect and any virtue is something I associate with perfection; something I am working towards and might have one day, but don’t have yet.

And yet. There are times when I tell people of the life I lead, times when I talk about how I follow God wherever He sends me and they say I could never do that. Time and again, I have run head on into that phrase. I could never do that. I could never leave my family. I could never travel alone in a foreign country without knowing the language. I could never - the list is endless. People think they could never do what God is asking of them and all for the same stupid, insufficient reason; because they are afraid.

Newsflash y’all. I am afraid too. More than half the time. I cry. I stumble along after God, tripping over my own feet and refusing to let Him carry me. I wonder how His will for my life can so often feel like a punishment if it’s the best thing for me.

Not just with the big things either. Going to France 2 years ago felt the same as wearing a veil the first time. Veiling the first year in turn feels the same as standing up to my peers (some of them fellow Catholics!) when they are wrong. Forget FOMO, Fear of Missing Out. Ya girl here struggles with FOSO, Fear Of Standing Out. And by struggle, I mean every time I enter a Norvus Ordo Parish, there is a voice in my head tempting me to pluck my veil off my head, just to blend in with everyone else. Not just in the first 5 years I wore one; every single time, from the first time until now. Every time I do something that could make me stand out, all I want to do is fade safely back into obscurity.

But that is not what I was created for. My Lord and Savior has burdened me with great purpose; He spoke the words to us "Go and make disciples of 'The Nations'". The world isn't won by blending in.

We are called to bear the shame of being different and standing out.

So. I stand out. Not because I want to but because God has called me to live in this world, yet in a way that is different from what most other people’s lives look like. And I think there is a common misconception floating around that when you stand out, you are okay with it, and if you are okay with it, you are brave and when you are brave, that means you aren’t afraid anymore.

PSA, that’s a load of crap. Surprised? I sure was. It is one of the beautiful (if complicated) mysteries of our human nature combined with our souls that we can experience both human emotions and the powerful, releasing presence of God the Holy Spirit in our souls at the same time. It is possible to stand up for what you believe in absolutely secure in your knowledge of the truth and shake in your boots at the same time. I’m not saying thats how it is for everyone, but that is how it continues to be in my own experience. I am perfectly at peace in my soul while a storm of butterflies rages in my stomach. I am both afraid and brave.

So. Back to living each day as though it is my last. Back to the beach. I changed things up a bit this morning. I brought my earbuds, put on my dance music playlist (Deborah 😘 Sarah 😘) and I danced. I went in and out of the waves, back and forth, spun around...at one point (still not quite sure how) I ended up sitting in about 4 inches of water mid-movement. I laughed, got up and kept dancing. 

For two hours this morning, I did something I have never done before, something I have always wanted to do. Something I knew people walking past me would judge me for. Something "crazy". 

What does contemporary/hip hop dancing on the beach to *cough* musicwithagoodbeat *cough*, making a spectacle of myself have to do with my salvation?

Nothing. And Everything.

It’s good practice. If I get used to standing out, used to being uncomfortable and to not caring as much if everyone is looking at me, that will be one less temptation keeping me from being the Witness of God I am called to be in this life. Because we all know the world preaches individuality while simultaneously expecting everyone to be the same and not make waves.

Don't let FOSO keep you from being who you are and witnessing to Christ (the two go hand in hand). I'm going to put this bluntly. If you can't dance like nobody's watching, it's not anybody's fault but your own. If you started dancing near me, I would watch you too. That's the f*cking point, that people are watching you. If I was in a pitch black room and you struck a match, I would certainly look your way. I might even be angry with you if the light hurt my eyes. (See that cool analogy? Badumcha!) Don't be fervent in church and go with the flow on campus. Don't bother telling people you are Catholic if you aren't going to act like one. Don't try to skate by doing the bare minimum and kid yourself that avoiding the topic of death means it won't happen to you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking your own vocation is too hard for you. 

Get off your butt and stop telling God you could never do what He asks of you. Get used to standing out. Welcome the odd looks. Own the shame that Christ gave you when He called you out of the darkness and into the light. 

And dance. Dance like no one is watching. 

Live. Live like everyone is watching. Live like God is watching. 

Pax vobis.

"If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;Be happy anyway.The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;Do good anyway.Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world the best you've got anyway.You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;It was never between you and them anyway."

This revision is credited to St. Teresa of Calcutta. Original Poem by Kent Keith 

On Being Beloved

Do you let God love you?

When I enter into God’s presence, either physically by entering a church/chapel or spiritually by entering into communion with Him through prayer, I find myself doing everything but letting Him love me. Is love truly love if it is only one sided? And by this I mean - do I truly love God if I don’t let Him love me back? Do I let Him love me back?

I have come to realize that I don’t. I treat God the way I treat the rest of humanity; I act like I need to spend my time in His presence minimizing the amount of space and attention I am taking up. I make myself small in His presence for all the wrong reasons. I sit in the back, not because I am humble (I wish I was), but because I am both too afraid to get closer and I don’t want to take a coveted spot near the front just in case someone more worthy than I comes in.

I wish I loathed sin as much as I loathe being “in the way”. I wish I was as good at loving God as I am at telling Him all my faults and failures. I wish I knew how to receive love as easily and freely as I give it.

He tries so hard to break through my iron wall of negativity and discouragement, but I am not easily dissuaded. Half my time in adoration is spent telling Him how worthless I am. Half my tears shed during Mass are out of sorrow for my many, many failures throughout the years. This is all well and good - contrition has its place in our relationship with God but as with any other good thing, if taken to an extreme it can do more harm than good.

Are you in the habit of letting God love you?

I don’t know how Mary did it. I don’t know how she sat at His feet and watched every word come out of His mouth and let Him love her without feeling ashamed. I am like Martha - I would have faded into the background, done the grunt work and at the end of it, found something to complain about. I too, have tried to boss God around. (He won’t be bossed y’all, it doesn't work.)

I try to tell Him how to treat me - thankfully, that doesn’t work either. He knows my sins, my transgressions, just like I do. But He also knows something I tend to forget; I am worth dying on the cross for. I am worth loving. I am loved.

I’ve been at a stalemate with My Maker for a long time over my worth. Worth is what we are, the basis of our relationship with God. He accepted my worth centuries ago, alone in a garden in Gethsemane. My refusing to accept His acceptance does me no good.

So I am trying something new. Now, when I enter into His presence I make sure there is time for love on both our parts. I usually start with my intentions, then move to praising and thanking (loving!) Him. I try to incorporate my self-criticism into this to give it purpose.

You are He Who Is and I am she who is not - St. Catherine of Siena

And then - this is the hardest part - I merely sit (or stand or just be with Him) in His presence and let Him love me. Having emptied myself of requests for other people, harsh words against myself and all manner of praises toward He Who Is, I sit in silence. I don’t do anything. I don’t always feel like I am doing anything. I look at Him. He looks at me. Sometimes I find myself repeating the phrases “I love You” or “You are beautiful” over and over (sometimes out loud, to my acute embarrassment); sometimes I feel like it was worth it. Sometimes I feel like an idiot. And sometimes He meets me head on with the full force of His love for me and I am so overwhelmed I forget to breathe. These are the best times.

Any relationship requires good communication - how can we love someone we don’t know? I can busy myself with the cares of the world, I can bring the burdens of others to God and lay them at His feet, but if they are done without love, I am a clanging cymbal.

I am trying my hardest to stop wasting God’s time. One of my liturgical new year’s resolutions was to stop asking Him why and so far I have only seen good things come from that. I believe seeking Him out in prayer and lovin’ on Him through my thoughts and actions then not allowing Him to reciprocate by showing me love and affection is a huge waste of His time and mine.

So let me ask you again. Do you let God love you? There is nothing to be gained from avoiding or running from His love. There is everything to be gained by running towards Him with arms wide open.

Join me in learning to be loved. In Being Beloved. 

An Invitation to Live

The world conditioned me - and probably you too - from a very young age to see pain as a negative thing. Any type of pain, be it caused by fear, sorrow, loneliness, etc. etc.  Every single one of these hurts. Every single one of these is invaluable. In fact, when considered rightly, pain loses its power to hurt. It can transform us. - if we let it.

I have learned from childhood to end pain through motrin if it is physical, distraction   or sleep if it is emotional. Sometimes, I try to numb it with food (“eat my feelings”); sometimes, I choose to ignore it. Like pretending it’s not there will change the way things are.

I see pain as a monster that feeds off the worst in me. My perception of pain triggers my response, which is usually defensive. I have to protect myself from the monster. I have to fight it with everything I am.

But what if I have it all wrong?

A week or so ago I was praying my rosary, meditating on the first sorrowful mystery, the Agony in the Garden. How many times have I heard that story, read that story, told that story to children as I was teaching them. How many times have I meditated upon it while praying my rosary? Hundreds, if not thousands of times.

Every time I meditate on it, I feel sorrow and empathy for Jesus. My heart bleeds for Him. Here He is on the worst night of His entire life and all He wants is to have His closest companions with Him. And they say they want to be with Him too, they even come to the garden with Him!!! But what then? They fall asleep. Not once, but multiple times, the very people Jesus had counted on for comfort pass out and leave Him alone with His fears. I’m sure they never forgave themselves for it after the fact. (I wouldn’t have.)

See here though. Jesus was in pain. Distressed. Distraught. He fell on His knees before God the Father and begged that this cup be taken from Him.

As much as I would like to believe I am better than the Apostles, could I have entered into that with Him? Could I have stayed awake and prayed? Could I have born offering Him nothing but the cold comfort of my presence so He wouldn’t be alone?

Sometimes, the pain of those we love is more unbearable even than our own.

I judged the Apostles for falling asleep. I wouldn’t have done that is an easy thing to say, centuries later, when I know how the whole story pans out. There is a catch.

I do do that.

You see, I have come to the horrible realization that pain is not a monster. I’ve had it wrong for years. I’ve believed what I heard through hearsay. That kidney stones are the worst. That heartbreak is unbearable. That being unable to feel God’s presence during periods of spiritual darkness is the worst possible thing imaginable. What do all these things (that I have personally experienced) have in common? They highlight some of the innumerable ways a human being can feel pain.

But what if pain is something more? What if it isn’t a monster? What if pain is actually, well, a hand reaching out to me in invitation? What if pain isn’t ugly but transformatively beautiful? What if pain is something to be sought, or at least endured, rather than avoided? What if it is possible that through the transformative beauty that is pain, we gain a union and relationship so close with Jesus, we forgot the pain it took to get there? And we were glad, joyous even upon emerging from the fog of pain. Discovering to our delight how much closer we are to Christ. How much more complete our very existence is from knowing Him through our pain.

If these are true than I have made a terrible mistake in seeing pain as a monster, in trying to elude it at every turn.

Every speck of pain, even something so simple as a headache, is an invitation. An invitation to partake in the transformative beauty that comes from knowing Jesus Christ. I am called not to avoid that pain, but to reach out and take the hand it offers me. To accept the invitation. To follow Jesus into that garden at Gethsemane. To enter willingly into it with Him and to not fall asleep in doing so.

Pain carries with it an invitation to live.

I am not ready for pain. I never am. It always catches me unawares. I can’t claim that I will ever desire to seek it out either. However. My seeing pain for what it is is a game changer. Now that I no longer seek to end it as quickly as possible or to dodge it completely, now that I am no longer expending energy trying with all my might to avoid it, a funny thing has happened. I’m not afraid of it anymore. I am not afraid to experience pain anymore.

I have so much pain left to experience during my lifetime.

I have so much to learn from pain.

So many invitations to accept.

So many opportunities to enter into my suffering and let it change me, even as I am begging for it to be taken away.

So much more of Jesus’ heart to discover.

Pain is a beautiful gift, an invitation to live. 

The Heckin' Life I Lead: Part 2

This being the second part of the full and detailed account of the workings of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in my life: that is to say this is a compilation of the many reflections from some many hours spent in prayer over the past two and a half weeks, I being unemployed and therefore having plenty of time to pray :)

….I sent one of my coworkers a text a week later, trying to describe the feeling.

“It's so strange. My first week of unemployment is under my belt. Surprisingly not panicky, I feel like I have my feet very firmly planted on the foundation of God's promise to look after me. I have somehow found a place of unshakable peace and strength from committing to God's will. Thank you so much for your support over this last month and really, our entire time working together!!”

Truer words were never spoken. I am more at peace than I have ever been in my entire life. I allowed my job to end (I had the option of staying and God told me not to), I didn’t apply anywhere for a new job (God told me not to), my savings account was empty thanks to my car (okay not empty…$48 was in there, before the check from papa came in), Christmas was around the corner and I was the least upset or stressed I have ever been during the holidays. If you had told me following God’s will would lead me to being jobless and broke right before Christmas, I would have told you God would never do something like that to me. And I would have been both right and wrong. He didn’t do it to me. He, in His infinite wisdom, allowed it to happen and through it, brought me to a place of deeper communion and understanding with Him. Money and a working car are NOTHING compared to that.

There have been many times since my sisters married their boyfriends last year and I broke up with mine that I have wished things had turned out differently. That I have bemoaned my miserable, single, lonely life….I found myself thanking my lucky stars these past few months that I had no one depending on me to act “rationally” (ie, job hunt or do something other than pray and wait), no one I needed to provide for. Once again, I have been granted the gift of deeply appreciating my life in the present moment. I feel like the norm is people look back on their lives and wish they had fully appreciated where they were...through heartbreak and joblessness and being broke and being sick and a myriad of other things this world looks down on (and things I tend to complain about...sorry…), God has saved me from that regret and for that, I am truly thankful.

Years ago in a fit of impetuousness, I said I wanted to live my life with no regrets - not to live scared but to live life out loud, doing things no one would logically think to do, letting the Holy Spirit be my guide. God heard me and oh, how He has been helping me attain that goal! I don’t always remember to thank God for giving me exactly what I ask for but I did this time around.

When I told a close friend I would be moving to Florida by driving there in January, the first words out of her mouth were “I’m sorry, but is your car going to make it to Florida?”. And it was there, sitting on her bedroom floor, I realized why my car had been breaking down so much. God had this job planned out for me, probably before I even found out my other job was ending. And He wanted me to be safe on my drive down to Florida, not broken down needing expensive repairs halfway there. He provided for me by allowing my car to break down multiple times here, at home, surrounded by friends and family and coworkers who offered me everything from money to cover the repairs to rides places. My car is all fixed now. It’s not making any odd noises, or doing half the strange things it was before...it even accelerates in the rain now!! Like what? And both mechanics I ended up taking it to told me that it will probably run another 5-10 years without having another problem. But if it does have problems, I will know there is a reason for it. And also, speaking of mechanics, it was just two weeks ago I finally finished paying one of them off. I thanked him profusely for his patience and you know what he told me? He said I am one of his only customers that requires no patience. Me. He said that about me...people, this might be the ONLY man this side of heaven who thinks I require no patience, so it is worth noting! (He has also given me the nickname of “Favorite High Volume Customer”.)

But yeah. God freaking provides y’all. It’s in the Bible. And it’s my heckin’ life of late. I am a Lily of the Field, a Sparrow. He knows me and my need and He will not leave me destitute.

Earlier this year, I had started applying to domestic missionary work. Not that I wanted to leave, mind you. Quite the opposite! But after following God blindly to France and Alaska last year, I was having difficulty finding Him in the normalcy of Va Beach livin’ (if you catch my drift). I was so happy to be near family again and my core group of friends….but I missed the rush of the free fall that comes from flinging myself off a proverbial ledge, kno0wing God is going to catch me. God made it clear, however, during the interview process, that missionary work wasn’t my calling just yet. It was a good thing for me to do, a beautiful desire. - but not the best thing. Wait and have faith He asked me, so I bided my time here and went to parties and deepened friendships and got re-attached to all things friends and family. Even though I knew I would be leaving again. Even though it hurts so much to say goodbye.

Have you ever listened much to the band Building 429? I haven’t, but they have one song that is the theme song of my life, Where I Belong. The chorus goes All I know is I’m not home yet/This is not where I belong/Take this world and give me Jesus/This is not where I belong….it probably doesn’t seem all that profound to you but ever since I heard it, the words of this song have resonated deeply in my soul. It tells me to not get too comfortable here; it reminds me this world is temporary, fleeting, that I only have today to love God more. To love Him both as Himself and through His paradoxical creations. Every time I hear it, I see myself as the wayfarer, the sojourner in a strange land from the Old Testament. Even now, I can almost feel the sands of time changing and shifting beneath my feet.

But that is all soul talk. My heart is weary from moving. Even as God was telling me I would be called elsewhere soon, I was sort of hoping I would be done and could settle down. I have an adorable niece and nephew that need to be taught slang and fed pickles + bacon. I have 7 siblings that are all somehow still in the area that I love being around. I have two phenomenal parents; the older I get, the more I value my time with each of them. I thought I didn’t have many friends when I moved back here but God has proved me wrong over and over again in that area. I learned a hard lesson this year in not taking people’s lives for granted and that has made me cling tighter than ever to those I love.

Perhaps it is because I get used to my blessings, so God calls me away from them and then they are like new upon my return. Like how Manalive (in Chesterton’s epic romance) is continually breaking into his own house and running away with his own wife. He finds his liquor to be more tasty when he is drinking it after breaking in through the skylight. He finds his wife most beautiful when he meets her for the first time, so he arranges to meet her over and over again. He doesn’t want to lose sight of how precious she is, how neat his house is or how amazing his life is. He is both mad and more sane than I have ever been in my entire life. His priorities are always straight. He seeks in the best way he knows how to always be thankful and appreciative of God’s greatest gifts in life.

Home is comfortable. Family is my everything. Friends are once in a lifetime kinds of blessings. But He calls me to go forth from all of that to new places, time and again, and if you could only hear His call the way I hear it, you would know why I have to leave everything to follow it. His call is my siren song. To ignore it doesn’t even bear thinking.

So. Y’all. This has been my extremely long winded way of saying yes, the infamous (and famous?) Rachel Rastelli is again leaving. I don’t know for how long - right now, I am looking at at least 9 months but Alaska was supposed to be a year and ended up being 2 and ½ weeks….and yet that too, was God’s will. But yeah. Anyways. Hopefully this is at least 9 months.

In January, I will be driving down to Florida for another nanny job (when I wasn’t sure I would ever nanny again). There is a saying that God qualifies the called but in this particular job I feel extremely qualified. Nurturing children is my superpower, of sorts. And I will have the chance to learn more about photography from a dear friend who is a master of the camera + lens. I’ll be living in a state I’ve never lived in before, in winter weather I despise. But I will be doing the will of the Lord.

I still want to be a missionary. It is a beautiful desire and it is my hope God sees fit to help me realize this dream before I am fifty. But everything in God’s perfect, incomprehensible timing. I don’t know why I’m not married yet. I don’t know why I’ve moved 3 times in the past 2 years. I also don’t need to know why to carry out God’s will or to praise Him so thank heavens for that. He is found in the waiting. He meets us in our wanting.

To the readers...I’d apologize for the length of this post but I’m not actually sorry sooo…..yeah...no. Lol. God is awesome and I had to tell you why I think so in great detail. You’re welcome :) and it’s not done yet, so keep reading.

I’d like to thank everyone among my family ❤, friends (Emilie, Emma, Sarah, Rebecca, Mary, Suzanne, Victoria, Lena, Mary Clare, Katherine) and coworkers (Andi, Jackie, Courtney) who helped talk me through the crazy, calmed me down when I was panicking and reassured me that I was doing the right thing as I second guessed myself over and over. Thank you for comforting me in my afflictions and celebrating my triumphs with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for all the prayers you have said on my behalf and now I have possibly the strangest prayer request you ever heard to follow up on that. The family I will be living with in Florida has cats, two cats. I am allergic to cats. So I am asking everyone I know to pray to the patron saint of cats, St. Gertrude of Nivelles, and ask her intercession/solution to this problem. I figure simple is best and I would like cats just fine if they didn’t give me asthma attacks. So! St. Gertrude. And of course, prayers as I start the process of getting rid of everything I can’t take with me to Florida. Pray all the prayers please and thank you!

I am also incredibly thankful and blessed to have my older sister Deborah as my roommate. Someone who will never press me for rent (although so far, I have managed to pay it every month). Someone who gives me space to be crazy even though I am sure she doesn’t understand why half the time. Someone who buys me celery after a trying week, lends me money when my car breaks again and who always has my back. We don’t get to pick family in this life and I have been overwhelmed with how amazing mine is.

And a final note on the Advent journal. I am, as you well know, jobless AND sick again. I would be losing my mind right now if I didn’t have something to structure my prayer life around while I am homebound. This journal is pushing me to my spiritual limits, relentlessly challenging me to trust God and leading me deeper into Christ than I have ever been before. I have always struggled with Advent; Lent is my heckin’ jam but Advent always seemed like a foreign language. This journal has helped me get past the lifelong mental block I have had towards Advent and for that, too, I am eternally grateful.

Also, being sick while jobless is almost amazing...I can finally rest. My right shoulder/neck isn’t in constant pain anymore, my plantar fasciitis had faded, I don’t have to worry about missing work. Seriously. I am a little scared I won’t have a voice to sing at Midnight Mass but I am mostly thankful for an excuse to lie down and recover from 3 of the most stressful months of my life.

Gloria in excelsis Deo. Deo Gratias.