I went to the beach this morning. It’s the thing to do in Florida. (Actually, I was at the beach all the time back home too.) I got there early. Packed “light”. Brought G. K. Chesterton’s Ballad of the White Horse. Wore a totally outrageous outfit as a cover up for my bathing suit. Like I always do.
Like I always do.
Always.
If you found out you were going to die in a week, how would your life change?
People’s answers vary for this all important question, but I have chosen to stick with my favorite.
My life wouldn’t change. Or; I am making the necessary changes now, so when my time comes I can say “I lived” instead of “I wish I had lived”.
If I am already taking every chance as if it’s my last and living everyday like it could be the last one, what do I have left to regret at the end of my earthly existence? Nothing, that's what. Depending on your perspective, this is either incredibly freeing or incredibly morbid.
"Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn." Sophie Scholl
I’m not under any (many?) illusions about myself. I know I’m not perfect and any virtue is something I associate with perfection; something I am working towards and might have one day, but don’t have yet.
And yet. There are times when I tell people of the life I lead, times when I talk about how I follow God wherever He sends me and they say I could never do that. Time and again, I have run head on into that phrase. I could never do that. I could never leave my family. I could never travel alone in a foreign country without knowing the language. I could never - the list is endless. People think they could never do what God is asking of them and all for the same stupid, insufficient reason; because they are afraid.
Newsflash y’all. I am afraid too. More than half the time. I cry. I stumble along after God, tripping over my own feet and refusing to let Him carry me. I wonder how His will for my life can so often feel like a punishment if it’s the best thing for me.
Not just with the big things either. Going to France 2 years ago felt the same as wearing a veil the first time. Veiling the first year in turn feels the same as standing up to my peers (some of them fellow Catholics!) when they are wrong. Forget FOMO, Fear of Missing Out. Ya girl here struggles with FOSO, Fear Of Standing Out. And by struggle, I mean every time I enter a Norvus Ordo Parish, there is a voice in my head tempting me to pluck my veil off my head, just to blend in with everyone else. Not just in the first 5 years I wore one; every single time, from the first time until now. Every time I do something that could make me stand out, all I want to do is fade safely back into obscurity.
But that is not what I was created for. My Lord and Savior has burdened me with great purpose; He spoke the words to us "Go and make disciples of 'The Nations'". The world isn't won by blending in.
We are called to bear the shame of being different and standing out.
So. I stand out. Not because I want to but because God has called me to live in this world, yet in a way that is different from what most other people’s lives look like. And I think there is a common misconception floating around that when you stand out, you are okay with it, and if you are okay with it, you are brave and when you are brave, that means you aren’t afraid anymore.
PSA, that’s a load of crap. Surprised? I sure was. It is one of the beautiful (if complicated) mysteries of our human nature combined with our souls that we can experience both human emotions and the powerful, releasing presence of God the Holy Spirit in our souls at the same time. It is possible to stand up for what you believe in absolutely secure in your knowledge of the truth and shake in your boots at the same time. I’m not saying thats how it is for everyone, but that is how it continues to be in my own experience. I am perfectly at peace in my soul while a storm of butterflies rages in my stomach. I am both afraid and brave.
So. Back to living each day as though it is my last. Back to the beach. I changed things up a bit this morning. I brought my earbuds, put on my dance music playlist (Deborah 😘 Sarah 😘) and I danced. I went in and out of the waves, back and forth, spun around...at one point (still not quite sure how) I ended up sitting in about 4 inches of water mid-movement. I laughed, got up and kept dancing.
For two hours this morning, I did something I have never done before, something I have always wanted to do. Something I knew people walking past me would judge me for. Something "crazy".
What does contemporary/hip hop dancing on the beach to *cough* musicwithagoodbeat *cough*, making a spectacle of myself have to do with my salvation?
Nothing. And Everything.
It’s good practice. If I get used to standing out, used to being uncomfortable and to not caring as much if everyone is looking at me, that will be one less temptation keeping me from being the Witness of God I am called to be in this life. Because we all know the world preaches individuality while simultaneously expecting everyone to be the same and not make waves.
Don't let FOSO keep you from being who you are and witnessing to Christ (the two go hand in hand). I'm going to put this bluntly. If you can't dance like nobody's watching, it's not anybody's fault but your own. If you started dancing near me, I would watch you too. That's the f*cking point, that people are watching you. If I was in a pitch black room and you struck a match, I would certainly look your way. I might even be angry with you if the light hurt my eyes. (See that cool analogy? Badumcha!) Don't be fervent in church and go with the flow on campus. Don't bother telling people you are Catholic if you aren't going to act like one. Don't try to skate by doing the bare minimum and kid yourself that avoiding the topic of death means it won't happen to you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking your own vocation is too hard for you.
Get off your butt and stop telling God you could never do what He asks of you. Get used to standing out. Welcome the odd looks. Own the shame that Christ gave you when He called you out of the darkness and into the light.
And dance. Dance like no one is watching.
Live. Live like everyone is watching. Live like God is watching.
Pax vobis.
"If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;Be happy anyway.The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;Do good anyway.Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world the best you've got anyway.You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;It was never between you and them anyway."
This revision is credited to St. Teresa of Calcutta. Original Poem by Kent Keith
