I have a special favor to ask of you. This is a little long winded, so bear with me here. This is also something I am not used to talking about, so if you’ve known me my whole life and never heard me mention it, don’t be surprised. It’s hard for me to talk about disappointments and failures.
When I was 16 years old, I had my heart set on joining the Poor Clares. I don’t wish to go into too much detail here; suffice it to say that I was granted the clarity of knowing the cloister was not what God wanted of my life. It was my first fight with God. Knowing He didn’t want it for me was one thing but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to stop wanting it for myself.
And so I found myself adrift in the sea of the “real world”. The cloister was my first choice. I never planned on having a career so I had nothing to fall back on. School lost much of its appeal for me. Every time I entered church, be it for adoration or Mass, satan would whisper in my ear, asking me how come I bothered to still seek God out when I hadn’t been good enough to be His bride. The devil preyed ceaselessly and relentlessly on my feelings of being rejected by God. Every time I got asked out or someone showed interest in me felt so wrong because I had never truly desired marriage for myself either. Or I had, but a different kind of marriage.
I am using past tense here but I want you to know most of this is an ongoing struggle for me. I look at the hot mess that is my life and feel betrayed because, while I wasn’t meant to be cloistered, I don’t seem to have a place out in the world either. I feel trapped, caught between my own desires and God’s desires for me.
Because the wanting never stops, not completely. Every time I think I am done being resentful or upset, someone will mention praying for vocations. Or I will hear an acquaintance talking about being a nun as a last resort because they don’t have a husband yet. Like being a bride of Christ is settling. And while other people console said acquaintance about possibly having to a nun since nothing else has come up, I am busy biting my tongue so I don’t harshly berate the poor person for failing to realize how lucky they are. And usually fleeing the conversation. Or people ask me why I’m not married yet. Maybe because I don’t want to be married. Or offer to set me up with someone. What I would really like is to be set up with God. - can you arrange that?
I am proud to say I have reached a point where I can be happy for those actively discerning a vocation to religious life. I can support those choosing it instead of acting like it’s a punishment. It has taken me a few years but I can finally do it.
This year, 2018, has been harder than most of the others. It is the ninth year. For those of you who don’t know, cloistered orders typically take their final/permanent vows after 9 years. Sometimes there extenuating circumstances. Sometimes people discern out before then. But 9 years is the rule of thumb.
This is the year I hope to finally put aside any bitterness towards God on this particular issue. In my ideal world, where I enter the Poor Clares at 16 and am perfectly happy being the perfect nun, this is the year I get to give my permanent yes to God. I can hear the door closing permanently, in my mind. But instead of shutting me in, it’s shutting me out. In many ways, this year has challenged everything I know about God.
My word for the year of 2018 is Fiat, ironically enough.
God is asking me for a different yes than I originally planned on giving Him and, in the spirit of moving on and being who He wants me to be, I have a favor to ask of you. I want to see the purpose behind the biggest disappointment of my life and I need your help to do it. Could you please comment or message me with a way I have impacted and/or touched your life in the last nine years? I know nine years is a long time but this is important to me. I want to hear from your point of view one (or more if you are in my fan club) way my life touched yours, in a way that wouldn’t have been possible had I been in a convent. Thank you and please, keep praying for me.
Pax Vobis.
