On Being Beloved

Do you let God love you?

When I enter into God’s presence, either physically by entering a church/chapel or spiritually by entering into communion with Him through prayer, I find myself doing everything but letting Him love me. Is love truly love if it is only one sided? And by this I mean - do I truly love God if I don’t let Him love me back? Do I let Him love me back?

I have come to realize that I don’t. I treat God the way I treat the rest of humanity; I act like I need to spend my time in His presence minimizing the amount of space and attention I am taking up. I make myself small in His presence for all the wrong reasons. I sit in the back, not because I am humble (I wish I was), but because I am both too afraid to get closer and I don’t want to take a coveted spot near the front just in case someone more worthy than I comes in.

I wish I loathed sin as much as I loathe being “in the way”. I wish I was as good at loving God as I am at telling Him all my faults and failures. I wish I knew how to receive love as easily and freely as I give it.

He tries so hard to break through my iron wall of negativity and discouragement, but I am not easily dissuaded. Half my time in adoration is spent telling Him how worthless I am. Half my tears shed during Mass are out of sorrow for my many, many failures throughout the years. This is all well and good - contrition has its place in our relationship with God but as with any other good thing, if taken to an extreme it can do more harm than good.

Are you in the habit of letting God love you?

I don’t know how Mary did it. I don’t know how she sat at His feet and watched every word come out of His mouth and let Him love her without feeling ashamed. I am like Martha - I would have faded into the background, done the grunt work and at the end of it, found something to complain about. I too, have tried to boss God around. (He won’t be bossed y’all, it doesn't work.)

I try to tell Him how to treat me - thankfully, that doesn’t work either. He knows my sins, my transgressions, just like I do. But He also knows something I tend to forget; I am worth dying on the cross for. I am worth loving. I am loved.

I’ve been at a stalemate with My Maker for a long time over my worth. Worth is what we are, the basis of our relationship with God. He accepted my worth centuries ago, alone in a garden in Gethsemane. My refusing to accept His acceptance does me no good.

So I am trying something new. Now, when I enter into His presence I make sure there is time for love on both our parts. I usually start with my intentions, then move to praising and thanking (loving!) Him. I try to incorporate my self-criticism into this to give it purpose.

You are He Who Is and I am she who is not - St. Catherine of Siena

And then - this is the hardest part - I merely sit (or stand or just be with Him) in His presence and let Him love me. Having emptied myself of requests for other people, harsh words against myself and all manner of praises toward He Who Is, I sit in silence. I don’t do anything. I don’t always feel like I am doing anything. I look at Him. He looks at me. Sometimes I find myself repeating the phrases “I love You” or “You are beautiful” over and over (sometimes out loud, to my acute embarrassment); sometimes I feel like it was worth it. Sometimes I feel like an idiot. And sometimes He meets me head on with the full force of His love for me and I am so overwhelmed I forget to breathe. These are the best times.

Any relationship requires good communication - how can we love someone we don’t know? I can busy myself with the cares of the world, I can bring the burdens of others to God and lay them at His feet, but if they are done without love, I am a clanging cymbal.

I am trying my hardest to stop wasting God’s time. One of my liturgical new year’s resolutions was to stop asking Him why and so far I have only seen good things come from that. I believe seeking Him out in prayer and lovin’ on Him through my thoughts and actions then not allowing Him to reciprocate by showing me love and affection is a huge waste of His time and mine.

So let me ask you again. Do you let God love you? There is nothing to be gained from avoiding or running from His love. There is everything to be gained by running towards Him with arms wide open.

Join me in learning to be loved. In Being Beloved.