This being the second part of the full and detailed account of the workings of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in my life: that is to say this is a compilation of the many reflections from some many hours spent in prayer over the past two and a half weeks, I being unemployed and therefore having plenty of time to pray :)
….I sent one of my coworkers a text a week later, trying to describe the feeling.
“It's so strange. My first week of unemployment is under my belt. Surprisingly not panicky, I feel like I have my feet very firmly planted on the foundation of God's promise to look after me. I have somehow found a place of unshakable peace and strength from committing to God's will. Thank you so much for your support over this last month and really, our entire time working together!!”
Truer words were never spoken. I am more at peace than I have ever been in my entire life. I allowed my job to end (I had the option of staying and God told me not to), I didn’t apply anywhere for a new job (God told me not to), my savings account was empty thanks to my car (okay not empty…$48 was in there, before the check from papa came in), Christmas was around the corner and I was the least upset or stressed I have ever been during the holidays. If you had told me following God’s will would lead me to being jobless and broke right before Christmas, I would have told you God would never do something like that to me. And I would have been both right and wrong. He didn’t do it to me. He, in His infinite wisdom, allowed it to happen and through it, brought me to a place of deeper communion and understanding with Him. Money and a working car are NOTHING compared to that.
There have been many times since my sisters married their boyfriends last year and I broke up with mine that I have wished things had turned out differently. That I have bemoaned my miserable, single, lonely life….I found myself thanking my lucky stars these past few months that I had no one depending on me to act “rationally” (ie, job hunt or do something other than pray and wait), no one I needed to provide for. Once again, I have been granted the gift of deeply appreciating my life in the present moment. I feel like the norm is people look back on their lives and wish they had fully appreciated where they were...through heartbreak and joblessness and being broke and being sick and a myriad of other things this world looks down on (and things I tend to complain about...sorry…), God has saved me from that regret and for that, I am truly thankful.
Years ago in a fit of impetuousness, I said I wanted to live my life with no regrets - not to live scared but to live life out loud, doing things no one would logically think to do, letting the Holy Spirit be my guide. God heard me and oh, how He has been helping me attain that goal! I don’t always remember to thank God for giving me exactly what I ask for but I did this time around.
When I told a close friend I would be moving to Florida by driving there in January, the first words out of her mouth were “I’m sorry, but is your car going to make it to Florida?”. And it was there, sitting on her bedroom floor, I realized why my car had been breaking down so much. God had this job planned out for me, probably before I even found out my other job was ending. And He wanted me to be safe on my drive down to Florida, not broken down needing expensive repairs halfway there. He provided for me by allowing my car to break down multiple times here, at home, surrounded by friends and family and coworkers who offered me everything from money to cover the repairs to rides places. My car is all fixed now. It’s not making any odd noises, or doing half the strange things it was before...it even accelerates in the rain now!! Like what? And both mechanics I ended up taking it to told me that it will probably run another 5-10 years without having another problem. But if it does have problems, I will know there is a reason for it. And also, speaking of mechanics, it was just two weeks ago I finally finished paying one of them off. I thanked him profusely for his patience and you know what he told me? He said I am one of his only customers that requires no patience. Me. He said that about me...people, this might be the ONLY man this side of heaven who thinks I require no patience, so it is worth noting! (He has also given me the nickname of “Favorite High Volume Customer”.)
But yeah. God freaking provides y’all. It’s in the Bible. And it’s my heckin’ life of late. I am a Lily of the Field, a Sparrow. He knows me and my need and He will not leave me destitute.
Earlier this year, I had started applying to domestic missionary work. Not that I wanted to leave, mind you. Quite the opposite! But after following God blindly to France and Alaska last year, I was having difficulty finding Him in the normalcy of Va Beach livin’ (if you catch my drift). I was so happy to be near family again and my core group of friends….but I missed the rush of the free fall that comes from flinging myself off a proverbial ledge, kno0wing God is going to catch me. God made it clear, however, during the interview process, that missionary work wasn’t my calling just yet. It was a good thing for me to do, a beautiful desire. - but not the best thing. Wait and have faith He asked me, so I bided my time here and went to parties and deepened friendships and got re-attached to all things friends and family. Even though I knew I would be leaving again. Even though it hurts so much to say goodbye.
Have you ever listened much to the band Building 429? I haven’t, but they have one song that is the theme song of my life, Where I Belong. The chorus goes All I know is I’m not home yet/This is not where I belong/Take this world and give me Jesus/This is not where I belong….it probably doesn’t seem all that profound to you but ever since I heard it, the words of this song have resonated deeply in my soul. It tells me to not get too comfortable here; it reminds me this world is temporary, fleeting, that I only have today to love God more. To love Him both as Himself and through His paradoxical creations. Every time I hear it, I see myself as the wayfarer, the sojourner in a strange land from the Old Testament. Even now, I can almost feel the sands of time changing and shifting beneath my feet.
But that is all soul talk. My heart is weary from moving. Even as God was telling me I would be called elsewhere soon, I was sort of hoping I would be done and could settle down. I have an adorable niece and nephew that need to be taught slang and fed pickles + bacon. I have 7 siblings that are all somehow still in the area that I love being around. I have two phenomenal parents; the older I get, the more I value my time with each of them. I thought I didn’t have many friends when I moved back here but God has proved me wrong over and over again in that area. I learned a hard lesson this year in not taking people’s lives for granted and that has made me cling tighter than ever to those I love.
Perhaps it is because I get used to my blessings, so God calls me away from them and then they are like new upon my return. Like how Manalive (in Chesterton’s epic romance) is continually breaking into his own house and running away with his own wife. He finds his liquor to be more tasty when he is drinking it after breaking in through the skylight. He finds his wife most beautiful when he meets her for the first time, so he arranges to meet her over and over again. He doesn’t want to lose sight of how precious she is, how neat his house is or how amazing his life is. He is both mad and more sane than I have ever been in my entire life. His priorities are always straight. He seeks in the best way he knows how to always be thankful and appreciative of God’s greatest gifts in life.
Perhaps it is because I get used to my blessings, so God calls me away from them and then they are like new upon my return. Like how Manalive (in Chesterton’s epic romance) is continually breaking into his own house and running away with his own wife. He finds his liquor to be more tasty when he is drinking it after breaking in through the skylight. He finds his wife most beautiful when he meets her for the first time, so he arranges to meet her over and over again. He doesn’t want to lose sight of how precious she is, how neat his house is or how amazing his life is. He is both mad and more sane than I have ever been in my entire life. His priorities are always straight. He seeks in the best way he knows how to always be thankful and appreciative of God’s greatest gifts in life.
Home is comfortable. Family is my everything. Friends are once in a lifetime kinds of blessings. But He calls me to go forth from all of that to new places, time and again, and if you could only hear His call the way I hear it, you would know why I have to leave everything to follow it. His call is my siren song. To ignore it doesn’t even bear thinking.
So. Y’all. This has been my extremely long winded way of saying yes, the infamous (and famous?) Rachel Rastelli is again leaving. I don’t know for how long - right now, I am looking at at least 9 months but Alaska was supposed to be a year and ended up being 2 and ½ weeks….and yet that too, was God’s will. But yeah. Anyways. Hopefully this is at least 9 months.
In January, I will be driving down to Florida for another nanny job (when I wasn’t sure I would ever nanny again). There is a saying that God qualifies the called but in this particular job I feel extremely qualified. Nurturing children is my superpower, of sorts. And I will have the chance to learn more about photography from a dear friend who is a master of the camera + lens. I’ll be living in a state I’ve never lived in before, in winter weather I despise. But I will be doing the will of the Lord.
I still want to be a missionary. It is a beautiful desire and it is my hope God sees fit to help me realize this dream before I am fifty. But everything in God’s perfect, incomprehensible timing. I don’t know why I’m not married yet. I don’t know why I’ve moved 3 times in the past 2 years. I also don’t need to know why to carry out God’s will or to praise Him so thank heavens for that. He is found in the waiting. He meets us in our wanting.
To the readers...I’d apologize for the length of this post but I’m not actually sorry sooo…..yeah...no. Lol. God is awesome and I had to tell you why I think so in great detail. You’re welcome :) and it’s not done yet, so keep reading.
I’d like to thank everyone among my family ❤, friends (Emilie, Emma, Sarah, Rebecca, Mary, Suzanne, Victoria, Lena, Mary Clare, Katherine) and coworkers (Andi, Jackie, Courtney) who helped talk me through the crazy, calmed me down when I was panicking and reassured me that I was doing the right thing as I second guessed myself over and over. Thank you for comforting me in my afflictions and celebrating my triumphs with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for all the prayers you have said on my behalf and now I have possibly the strangest prayer request you ever heard to follow up on that. The family I will be living with in Florida has cats, two cats. I am allergic to cats. So I am asking everyone I know to pray to the patron saint of cats, St. Gertrude of Nivelles, and ask her intercession/solution to this problem. I figure simple is best and I would like cats just fine if they didn’t give me asthma attacks. So! St. Gertrude. And of course, prayers as I start the process of getting rid of everything I can’t take with me to Florida. Pray all the prayers please and thank you!
I am also incredibly thankful and blessed to have my older sister Deborah as my roommate. Someone who will never press me for rent (although so far, I have managed to pay it every month). Someone who gives me space to be crazy even though I am sure she doesn’t understand why half the time. Someone who buys me celery after a trying week, lends me money when my car breaks again and who always has my back. We don’t get to pick family in this life and I have been overwhelmed with how amazing mine is.
And a final note on the Advent journal. I am, as you well know, jobless AND sick again. I would be losing my mind right now if I didn’t have something to structure my prayer life around while I am homebound. This journal is pushing me to my spiritual limits, relentlessly challenging me to trust God and leading me deeper into Christ than I have ever been before. I have always struggled with Advent; Lent is my heckin’ jam but Advent always seemed like a foreign language. This journal has helped me get past the lifelong mental block I have had towards Advent and for that, too, I am eternally grateful.
Also, being sick while jobless is almost amazing...I can finally rest. My right shoulder/neck isn’t in constant pain anymore, my plantar fasciitis had faded, I don’t have to worry about missing work. Seriously. I am a little scared I won’t have a voice to sing at Midnight Mass but I am mostly thankful for an excuse to lie down and recover from 3 of the most stressful months of my life.
Gloria in excelsis Deo. Deo Gratias.
