my name is Rachel Elizabeth. my birthday (May 4th) is the feast of St. Monica. if you're even slightly religious, you might recognize a theme here. a Trinity of holy mothers, if you will.
Rachel means motherly. she was preferred over her older sister Leah, married to the same man as Leah, breathtakingly beautiful...and cursed by God with barrenness as a result of that beauty, so that her shared husband would learn to appreciate his other wife. (while I'm sure Leahs everywhere adore this story, I get hella salty about it). despite this temporary barrenness, she is the mother of nations and an ancestor of Christ.
Elizabeth was also barren for many years. what must it have been like to be a prominent member of the community and have everyone think God was denying you children due to your sin? how many tears did she shed? how many times was she put down by her peers? and yet, she gave birth to a son - the forerunner of Jesus Christ. She is the patron saint of expectant mothers/pregnant women.
Monica was married at a young age to a violent and unpredictable man. she was not barren but she suffered grievously during her lifetime. she is the patron saint of married women, abuse victims, alcoholics, alcoholism, difficult marriages, disappointing children, homemakers, housewives, mothers, victims of adultery, victims of unfaithfulness, victims of verbal abuse, widows and wives.
see a theme here?
motherhood/the desire for motherhood was a glorious cross, for all three of these women who eventually became saints. I see motherhood in my future. I'm not exactly sure what it will look like but I feel in my bones that it won't be ordinary or easy.
I know I desire children far more than I desire a husband (that is to say, not at all). I'd rather hold a baby than a man's hand.
it is a very odd place to be in, desiring children but not marraige. holding space not only for myself but for others like me in the Church comes at a price. I feel that people get frustrated and want me to either go to a convent or settle down, but the desires of my heart are not so easily solved. I could probably put up with a guy as long as I got kids out of the deal, but as we see with Rachel and Elizabeth, kids are no guarantee. And that's no mindset to enter a relationship with either.
in a world that uses women so shamelessly and shamefully, I do find myself tempted to use men. to get back at them. to satiate some petty desire for revenge that comes clawing out of my fractured nature.
children pass through my hands like water; they stay for a little while and then they need to be given back to their families and my arms are empty again. barren. lifeless. and I look at my empty hands and wonder why God would place a desire for motherhood so strongly in my bones without the coinciding desire for companionship that seems to accompany it for everyone else.
I know this post should have been about modesty or religion or something Sunday-ish, but we just celebrated the Visitation and it affected me in some type of way. A teen mom and her elderly cousin visited each other while pregnant. what the hell are the odds of that happening? could it ever happen to me?
