my Lover does not lie

let's talk about intimacy
for a hot second
intimacy defined
as
close familiarity or friendship
and

closeness.

intimacy.

we all want
to wake up
with someone next to us
yes
even those of us who have chosen singleness or celibacy
for now or for always
it remains
a desire of the flesh
this body
this reflection
this creation
that bears witness to the endless imagination
and the immeasurable glory of God
not evil
for we were not created evil

our desires are not evil

rather

they are an undeniable fact of life

a witness to this endless longing
this perpetual season of earthly existence
a longing
that speaks
to the longing for the endless intimacy of heaven
where we shall see God
face
to
face
at last
at last
at long, longing last.

the physical longing for intimacy is persistent

in these bones

but not evil

or in need of sanctification.

it comes

and it goes

then it comes back strongly

catching me unaware

then leaves without my noticing

because I do not miss it when it's gone

i do not obsess

over the things of the flesh

i let them be

existing inside of me

i’m not at war with myself

or anyone else

for that matter.

i cried out to a God who answers always
but Whose answers aren't always what i want
i asked to be held
in my sorrow
i asked to be held as i cried
and as i cried
i reminded the God
who made you and me
how hard it is to wake up
day after day
alone
to come home to no one
to make dinner alone
to keep things chaste and holy between friends
to know you are making the right choices
doing as He asks
but to know more deeply still that you need held and comforted
like any mortal girl
for we were made for companionship
we were not created to be alone.

i asked for someone to hold me
i did not know what i was asking for
because i did not know what being held truly meant
but that did not stop God
from answering my prayers
and giving me what i had asked for
even though
i didn't know
what exactly that was.

God was paying attention

to my desires

last night

and He came

He held my heart in His hands

He turned it over

brushing it off carefully

to cleanse it

mindful of reopening any scars

turning it this way

and that

not as a heartless inspection

but to see every part of it

and marvel

in love

of His creation.

then He held me

just held me

so softly

so tenderly

my heart badly needed that hug

He did not disappoint me.

no storm can shake me

no upset

can reach

this inner peace.

this is intimacy

intimacy on God's level

closeness surpassing all sensation

ethereal,

spiritual,

bordering that eternal city

the city

the city of God.

someone holding my heart in His hands

enveloping me

with every part of His being

not suffocating me

coexisting with me

peacefully

aligning Himself with me

as if to lay down

by

my

side

or take my hand in His and hold it

and never

never let it go.

this is the promise of heaven

i hold out in hope of this promise

and i believe there is greater, deeper intimacy to come

more satisfying

and rewarding

than any action

with any man

or any woman

here on earth

the glory of this promise greatly eases the time spent here in the waiting

the promise is real and true

because my Lover told me so

and my Lover

does not lie.

Easter Sunday for the Ants

what must it be like to be an ant and live for your intended purpose, never knowing why but also never wondering. content to be as you are, as He intended you to be. and you know there are giants walking the earth upstairs, and though you are small, sometimes you bite these giants and fight these giants in defense of your tiny little home; it may seem small to them but it is a palace to you.

You never wonder why you exist or where the next meal will come from, but nevertheless, you feel an immeasurable sadness that He will never enter into your home the way the giants receive Him. this glimpse of Eternity is fleeting but it exists due to the closeness of a life lived as God had planned it.

and then. one day. one glorious day, it happens. He is in your home. you don't even notice Him at first because you were so worn out from the day before, a horrible dreadful day. rain that never stopped. earth that shook and shook. you thought you were going to die. you thought everyone was going to die, even the giants. you rushed back and forth trying to save your family, trying to save your food, and all the while, a feeling of immeasurable sorrow ran through the panic. a sense of deprivation and a sense of loss. and gradually you came to understand that, if you were to die, it would be due to sorrow.

but you did not die. He did. He has died, but not really. He has been placed in the earth, and He is so close now, so close you can hardly contain your excitement. the giants think He is dead and gone for good, but they are easily distracted from their true purpose. so while the giants grieve and mourn, you run about as best you can, showing how good you are at what He created you to do. while the giants weep you revel in the gift of a Visitor. and as the giants mourn, you celebrate. you see that He is a giant too but somehow, He fits in your house. the entire earth is your house after all, the entire world, His home.

He tells you He can only stay for a day but that is okay, because everything is different now. it might Holy Saturday for the giants, but today is Easter Sunday for the ants.