Give My Heart a Break

This isn't the next post I had planned on writing but life happens and I found this on my heart tonight instead.

One of the biggest things that has happened to me this past year was breaking up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. (Actually, the year mark of this happening is about to come up. But maybe since it's only been 10 months, 15 days, 22 hours, 33 minutes and 59 seconds since we broke up, I am being a bit hasty in saying a year. But perhaps not?)

Maybe my quoting the exact date and time seems melodramatic to you. I assure you it is anything but. That date is seared into my memory, probably for the rest of my life. And before you tell me how young I am or how time is a great healer, I would like to stop you kindly before I punch you in the throat.

I know 23 isn't an old-age; to some it seems very young. To me, it does not. Especially not when it comes to this past year. Indeed, whenever I find myself thinking about my relationships and relation to my age, I feel thoroughly disheartened. Discouraged. Dismayed. Disappointed. Surely, if I am so young, aren't I too young to have suffered this much heartbreak? Maybe I am biased in favour of true love and happiness but I think everyone is too young to have this happen to them. Age is so irrelevant when it comes to those we truly love. I have never used age as a line to draw between friends or family and I don't think it is wise or fair to try and apply it to heartbreak.

I know time is a great healer. I have seen it do some pretty amazing things. Believe me, I have done an incredible amount of healing in the past 10 and a half months. Right now though, I can't wish for more. I still catch myself remembering I am single now with the start of surprise. It's not that I don't believe time can help me. Rather, my being told it can help me so frequently is less than helpful. Whenever someone says that, I am left wondering if I am wrong, somehow, for still having all these feelings and emotions. For feeling lost when I catch myself thinking about telling him something later. For not remembering in the first place he's not there for me to talk to anymore.

What to say next? What is one supposed to say in a blog post about their ex? That I am happier? Better off? Moving on? (It has now been 10 months, 15 days, 22 hours, 50 minutes and 12 seconds since we broke up. No big deal.)

I'm not happier. I am sadder. More sad. Whatever the correct grammar is for that. Better off? Sorry, that would be another negative. But despite my best intentions, despite all of my resolve, I am moving on. Slowly but surely my heart and my brain or healing themselves when I'm not looking. They're doing a pretty good job too. Sometimes, I must admit, I make it hard. I find something my ex gave me or see a memory on Facebook or find a picture of us stashed somewhere. When this happens, I find myself crashing to a halt, drowning in a mess of tears and feelings. Oh Glory the feelings. Will they ever end?

Sometimes, though, my dear friends and family, sometimes it is you who are making it hard for my brain and heart to do their dirty work and move me on while I'm not paying attention.

Let me use an analogy. My love for my ex is like the One Ring. My brain and heart are like Frodo and Sam. My attention is like the Eye of Sauron; riveted on the One Ring, concentrated on finding and keeping it no matter what the cost. Now Frodo (my brain) and Sam (my heart) are doing their darndest, sneaking hither tither and yon trying to (for lack of a better expression) destroy the One Ring (my love) forever. Every time one of you asks me When are you getting married? or So who is next? or What about you?, you are jepordizing the quest to destroy the One Ring and bringing my attention right back to where it shouldn't be focused.

I know you don't mean it unkindly and that you have my best interest at heart. However, since I have decided I can't take it anymore, I figured it is time I man up and tell you all this. I didn't want to bother before. I thought I was weak. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought since I was the one whose relationship ended it wasn't anyone else's problem and I didn't need to keep bringing it up. I thought I could take it.

I was wrong.

I smile when you ask me these questions. Maybe laugh a little. Crack a joke. Crack a smile. Wonder how quickly I can change the subject without you noticing. Swallow. Fidgit. Run my finger through my hair. Try desparately to pay attention to whatever else it is you are saying now to distract myself from the tsnunami of heartbreak enfulging my soul.

Please stop. Trust me, there are much better conversation starters out there and since I genuinely enjoy conversing with each and every one of you, it would be nice if you would use them. There are questions I can't answer yet. There are also questions that shouldn't be asked.

I figure as a courtesy I can answer these hideous questions one last time; this time, though, I am going to answer them truthfully. How am I coping with breaking up with the man I thought I was going to marry, with planning two sister's weddings (and all the parties/strategizing they included) and now planning baby showers for the same two, dear sisters? I have good days and bad days. L. M. Montgomery once said in her famous Anne of Green Gables series that a heartache is very similar to a toothache. Unromantic? Perhaps. Unpoetic? Certainly. Definitely accurate and true. When it's not there, you don't miss it. When it is, nothing can take your mind off the searing pain. I am not okay.

I do believe that I am on the road to healing. I ask for your prayers as I continue through this difficult time. Who wants to wear a pair of heartbreak-coloured glasses forever? Not me.

Love y'all. Pax Dómini sit semper vobiscum.

a Year of Growth and Change

It is hard to find adequate words to describe this past year. It was a hard year, to be sure, but at the same time, hard doesn't quite cut it as the sole description of everything that happened in 2016. What could?

In order to describe 2016's effect on me, I am forced to use the words of my favorite (and sometimes rival) younger sister. "This year was a year of growth and change. Most of them good changes. But change is always hard." Wow. Can we just take a moment to sit back and appreciate the fact that there are still 19 year olds like her in this world? Praise God from whom all blessings flow, blessings that can come disguised as little sisters.

I remember hearing her say those words as I watched her, five and a half months pregnant, moving around the kitchen of her and her husband's first apartment together. Change indeed, since at this point last year she had only been engaged to her now-husband. Now they had started a family together. By contrast, I felt like nothing was different in my life and yet also felt that somehow, everything had changed and nothing would ever be the same again. Change is always hard.

When I am listing all the things that happened to me this past year, it seems like so much. However when I look at it only to compare where I am now and where I was a year ago, there is still some differences; more startling are the similarities. A year ago, I had been "preparing" for the new year by thinking too much about my failures from the previous year and not enough about the ways I could let God work in my life.

I'm not much for new year's resolutions; however, I managed to scrounge up one or two that I am 100% committed to maintaining not just in the upcoming year but for the rest of my life. The time to get holy is now. The time to love is now. The time to forgive is now. I am really done putting things off until tomorrow when tomorrow never comes.

Maybe I will end up sharing all of my New Year's resolutions with people eventually, but for now I am going to stick with sharing one. I have decided that I don't want to wait until the end of the year to be thankful for the many blessings he has put in my life. I also don't want to wait until the end of the year to process all the negative things that have happened. I don't want to be caught by surprise anymore, facing a new year and finding myself still entrenched in the same bad/sinful habits I had the year before. Self-awareness is my New Year's resolution. Awareness of how I treat other people, awareness of how I treat myself and most importantly awareness of my relationship and the degree and pursue it with the man upstairs.

I feel compelled to mention the heroes of my 2016. My friends. Despite its many trials, I feel like this year in particular has brought other new and fulfilling friendships with it, or it has shown old and true friendships to me in a beautiful new life. 2016 is the year that will keep on giving through its myriad of friendships. I think the last time I was so joyous and carefree, so ecstatic about my relationships with other people was when I was a small child.

As I look back on 2016, I find myself clinging to a cold comfort. I sincerely hope at the end of my life that my Lord and Savior compares me to what I was before, not to the other people in my life (like I am so often tempted to do). As I look forward to 2017, I am anticipating more good changes, more chances to grow closer to God and to grow in love for my neighbor. A new year of taking a step back and being grateful for those around me. Laus Deo!