I know Love

I had a thought tonight, entering the church before going into the adoration chapel. How does a Lover dress when they are visiting their Beloved? How does a Lover dress when they are visiting their Beloved? For if you asked me where I was going tonight, I would have told you "I am going to see My Beloved." (Even though I don't look like it.) My Beloved. The Lover of my Soul. The King of My Heart. He is beautiful in His perfection and before He became beautiful, I don't think true beauty even existed.

He is here tonight in the silence waiting; breathless with anticipation, I walk eagerly through the church, I bless myself with the Holy Water, I genuflect on both knees, head bent in adoration and then I sit at His feet and pour out my soul to this All-Knowing Being. And He listens. I can feel Him listening to me, I can feel Him opening up and urging me deeper into knowing Him. His desire for our two souls to become one is so strong, I can taste it. With Him, I can see it and I feel like it is possible. 

Today was a very long, tiring day. I came to see my Beloved in flip-flops, yoga pants and a flannel shirt, aka the first clean clothes I could find. My hair is a rat's nest and there are bags under my eyes; there is a rough, hoarse quality to my voice when I speak and I can hardly keep my eyes open or my mind off how badly my back is hurting.

But do you know what? It is enough. I am enough. I run to Him, empty and dry, and He is brimming over with peace and grace, just waiting to fill me up. No matter how many other people are here, no matter how many people have come to see Him, I always get the feeling that He was waiting for me in particular to show up.

And oh, how I need Him to love me tonight. I need Him to rejuvenate my soul so I can go home refreshed and love the little people in my care. Love is the gift that keeps on giving. My Lover (My Beloved) loves me, I pass that love on to the people in my life, they pass it on to the people they know and so on and so forth. I hope one day to be like a mirror of Love so when people look at me instead of seeing me, they are dazzled by the love that shines through me, of which He is the source.

This is how it feels to be truly loved. He is seeing me at my worst tonight and loving me just the same as if I was at my best. I don't think He sees a difference. My mood's don't phase Him. My best or my worst, He is happy to see me. He loves me as I am no matter what. How does a Lover dress when they are visiting their Beloved? Sometimes I take great care in the way I am dressed but sometimes on nights like tonight, I find myself before Him looking like a drudge. He loves me as I am, no matter what. 

I make sure, no matter what, that I come before Him as myself. Me. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't waste His time pretending to be something else and He rewards me for that. There is an intimacy that has been achieved over years with patience, devotion and tears. It is an intimacy that cannot be faked. 

I know Love. He has a Name. 

This Post Isn't Boring

I just sat here for about 10 minutes trying to think of an appropriate title for this blog post and I couldn't come up with any that didn't sound boring as all get out. So just so you know, this post isn't boring, and without further ado I will get started.

Tuesday, September 13th:

* I say goodbye to my Mommy and leave for my new home. I forget to pack a coat and forget my hoodie until we are over half way to t he airport and it just isn't worth going back for. There are more important things in life than being warm in Alaska. Like getting to the airport on time. Haha. I figured I should get at least one blog post written about my life here before I freeze to death ;-)

* I arrive in plenty of time for my flight so we probably had enough time to go back home for said forgotten hoodie, but in the heat of the moment it seemed like I was never going to make it there in time. All too soon, I was approaching the security gate and saying goodbye to my dearly beloved father. I miss you Daddy.

* My flight takes off late (thank you, Norfolk International...if any of you have ever left on time from this airport please tell me because I never have) and I panic the entire flight, certain I will miss my connection. Somehow, we manage to get to land early in Houston and I end up with enough time to dash across the entire airport (okay, not quite but it felt like it) and arrive at my gate right as my next flight started boarding. Praise the Lord! It was my miracle of the day.

* I fly over some of the most beautiful views I have ever seen in my life and land safe and sound in good time in Seattle. I repeat my mad dash, but this time I have a 30 minute grace period so I promptly lay down on my bag and fall asleep. I am groggy when I board my next flight, hoping it will make sleeping during the flight easier (it didn't).

* My flight is late taking off by a good 30 minutes, so I land in Anchorage 20 minutes late; I grab my luggage and call the person I have never met who is picking me up from teh airport. She is waiting outside and we have a 40 minute drive to my new home.

First impressions of my new home: it is big and we are locked out. We went in the back door, I was taken to my bedroom and settled in for life in Alaska. The next morning I was up bright and early at 3am (yay, 4 hour time difference!); I managed to fall asleep again, only to wake up again around 7. I lay peacefully in bed for another hour, thinking about how there was no turning back when bedlam broke right outside my bedroom door. 8 little people who were very excited to see me were making more noise than seemed humanly possible. I put on some clothes and head out to brave a brand new world.

I would give you a blow by blow account of the next few days of the last week but much of it has been a blur. I have been busy saying the right names to the wrong children, picking up the threads of homeschooling and adjusting to the very different temperatures and time zones that are Alaska. I have seen a moose. I have learned how to get to church. I have taken the boys to their Cub Scout and Boy Scout meetings without a GPS and without getting lost. I have fixed the internet in one day and then unfixed it beyond fixing the following night. I have been called a myriad of different names, but "Miss Rachel" is now the predominant one. The children have told their neighborhood friends that "the new nanny is strict"; hopefully soon they will learn to add "and loves us unconditionally" to that sentence. I have met about 10 new people, not all of them children. I went to the Catholic Young Adult Group and met 4 people my own age, so I have filled my quota for the year (right?). I have been to my first pub/bar. I have been to Costco, been on base twice and figured out that just because there isn't any tax here doesn't mean things are less expensive than they are back home. I have learned to call hairties "pretties" and to decipher my new children's particular brand of speech impediment that, while being endearing, can be fairly hard to understand.

Alaska, so far, has been good to me. I am excited about what this year will bring for me. I am never going to get used to not having my siblings and friends around me, but I don't think I will be crying about it just yet. I miss and love y'all back home.

My Calcutta

Stay where you are. Find your own Calcutta. ~ Mother Teresa

I can hardly call myself a Catholic Blogger if I don't talk about that all important question that is on every Catholic's mind. Their Vocation. What is a vocation? The Merriam-Webster definition is this: 1) a) a summons or strong inclination to a particular state or course of action; especially: a divine call to the religious life b) an entry into the priesthood or a religious order. Of course there are more detailed examples of the definition that follows, but I find it fascinating that the definition found here sounds so conclusive and at the same time, leaves so much to be desired. A religious order (for those of you who aren't Catholic, read NUN or MONK) or the priesthood. Thank goodness we have so much more than that. There is a third vocation, that of remaining single. And of course, the vocation to married life. The one I believe everyone desires to have as their own despite it being the hardest one to live out. Priesthood? No biggie. A religious order? Sure, I can handle that sh*t. Being bound for life (and in death, since Catholics believe that marriage leaves an indelible mark on your soul!) to someone who is guaranteed to drive you up the wall, leave the toilet seat up and help you make lots of happy little Catholic children who will probably look just like your spouse instead of you because that's just the way the world works? Sign me up!

Recently, a close friend asked me what my vocation was or what I thought my vocation was. I avoided the question but he persisted in asking me so I gave a half way decent attempt at answering the question. Truth to be told, I was put on the spot and I didn't want to give an answer because I didn't know the answer. So then I started praying about my vocation again (read: for the upteenth time since being told what a vocation was as a child).

First off, I came to the conclusion than any and every walk in life can be a vocation. Priesthood, Religious Life, Marriage or being Single are just very loose categories that every vocation can fall in to. They are like the organizational bins we use for toys or clothes. I think it is very closed minded to think of vocations as only these terms instead of as organizational bins or categories. There is a danger of being so concentrated on having a vocation that is one of those things, you might miss the vocation sitting right in front of you that is waiting to happen. I am not trying to make anyone who actually isn't discerning their vocation feel better about themselves; however, I am trying to help anyone who might be stuck in the "praying and waiting" phase of their vocation journey. The praying is great, the waiting is what needs to stop. Your vocation is where you are right now in your life. God put you there for a reason. Are you actively seeking to do His will right now, or have you let your prayer life become stagnant and repulsive? Your spiritual life will always be an uphill battle; if you aren't actively climbing, you are sliding backward.

I happen to believe that the end goal of living your vocation - making it to heaven - remains the same, the method of getting there - living out your vocation - is rather fluid and less set in stone. I think to a certain extent, your vocation changes as your circumstances in life change. My vocation right now is to nurture and care for other people's children. I believe there are many other people in the world called to this vocation; the vocation is the same for all of us, yet looks a little different for every person. Which leads me to another point I want to make. You cannot have the same exact vocation as someone else. Um....you can't? But aren't there lots of priests and married couples? Yes, of course their are but I think it is foolish to assume since we are all different people, we are all called to live out the same or similar vocations in the exact same way. That is ridiculous. In my years of taking care of other people's children, I have learned that there is no catch all for raising children. There is no one thing that magically works for all of them. Every child is unique and different and this calls for lots of patience and ingenuity from their parents/caretakers. I think vocations are very similar: the end goal is the same, many of us are called to the same types of vocations, but each vocation looks a little different for each person.

Now to the part where I stop calling you out (sorry, not sorry ;-) ) and start talking about myself again. What is my vocation? I spent several years sporadically praying, fasting and sacrificing in order to discover my great mission in life, my vocation. I spent almost as much time reading books and articles on being open to God's will, seeking out people who had found their own vocations in life and listening to them tell their "success stories" (if you will). This was all so I could better my own chance of getting to my vocation faster like it was a competition I needed to win or a race I could win a medal in. In the beginning, the search for my vocation was hectic; I had a vocation and I needed to know what it was and start doing it yesterday. Which brings me to another point I want to make. (Yay, italics!) Your vocation is never "done". Yeah, let that one sink in for a little while. I was flabbergasted when I finally figured this one out at an embarrassing age. Your vocation is what gets you to heaven. Your entire life is going to be dedicated to this if you are actively seeking out God's will. There is no completing or finishing a vocation. A man's vocational journey isn't completed when he takes Holy Orders and becomes a priest; in fact, many people would agree that is when his vocation starts. I had the wrong mindset. I couldn't have been more wrong. But it is okay to be wrong because if you have an open mind, you will eventually be led to what is right.

I stopped being so frantic about finding my vocation after that. In a masterful attempt at patience I calmed my mind and allotted myself plenty of time in adoration to become better at being still and listening to God. I've always been great at talking to God but listening to Him is something I doubt I will ever be good at. I didn't hear God telling me what to do with my life right away, but I didn't give up. I started spending a little less time in adoration and instead practiced achieving the same stillness in my house and other places in the world. And you know what? There in the stillness on a totally nondescript day, I finally got what I had been chasing after for so many years; a clear voice, resounding in my heart and telling me what I was called to do with my life. I don't remember what I was wearing, how old I was or what day of the week it was, but I do remember the joy coursing through me. I have never been so sure of anything in my life as I was at that moment. God has not spoken to me in that way very often in my life and when He has, it usually isn't about me; He tends to let me know when someone is in need of prayer or something along those lines. I do want to tell you, for those of you still searching for what God wants you to do with your life, He speaks to us in the stillness of our hearts. And your heart really, REALLY has to be still before that happens.

I wish I could say that after this my vocational journey was as smooth as molasses. I think by now you know me better than that. Instead, I became content to "wait on God", telling myself (and other people) that His timing was the perfect timing for things to happen when I should have been using the time He gave me to a better purpose. And if I am going to be completely honest, I wasn't too happy with what He told me. What happens when you find out your vocation in life and don't like it? You get over it, that's what. It took me far too long but I think I finally am. Maybe. Okay who knows if I ever will be but that is beside the point right now. Years of praying for the answer and I didn't even like it.

I think I tend to over romanticize religion and I was expecting my vocation to be the one thing that fulfilled all of my dreams. Which brings me to my final, excellent point. Your vocation is not about you. Want me to say it again? Okay. Your vocation is not about you. 

When you discover your vocation - and you will if you are even a little bit serious about finding it - you will discover an anomoly. Your vocation won't fulfil your wildest dreams. It won't make your life easier in any way. It won't make all of your problems go away. It won't make you feel holy. It won't make doing God's will for your life any easier.

What it will do is push you out into the world. It will force you out of your comfort zone, not once or twice but countless times. It will bring laughter and tears. It will put people in your life you would never have met otherwise. Your vocation is how you can help everyone you meet get to heaven. Don't you want to find out what it is and start living it?

Prelude

"Alaska?" "Why Alaska?" "What's in Alaska?" I have heard that question many times after I broke the news to my friends and family but with the wedding (Congrats to Bernie&Steven and Naomi&Eric!) craziness that has been going on, I never had a chance to answer these questions as thoroughly as I would have liked. So here comes a few bible quotes and a lot of Jesus talk. Bear with me.

My journey towards Alaska started last year around Christmas. I had two sisters recently engaged, their weddings approaching that were only six months apart. There was a flurry of activity, trying to get everything done. I am ashamed to admit in the midst of what should have been a joyful, celebratory time, I wasn't feeling very happy for them. I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself, wondering when my chance was going to come and feeling like no guy would ever propose to me. (I hope enough of you have been there before and aren't judging me too harshly.)

At some point during my long, drawn out pity party, I had an epiphany. An Aha moment. I read a simple phrase in passing online, a phrase I had heard many times before but this was the first time I was actually listening. Don't concentrate on finding the right guy, become the right girl first and God will take care of the rest. Like I said, I've heard it quite a few times before but I had never thought much of it. Just one of the many platitudes thrown about to help keep Christian girls content with the long guessing/waiting game that takes place before you ever walk down the isle. I took that quote to adoration with me that night and placed it before God. Okay God. I'm obviously not the right girl or the right guy would have swept me off my feet by now. What needs to change? It is probably one of the few times in my life I have really and truly prayed for something without trying to impose my own will on God. One of the few times I was listening with an open heart instead of listening only for what I wanted to hear.

I don't like myself very much. I've never made much of a secret of it but I'm guessing I haven't exactly announced it either. Hi, I'm Rachel. I struggle with self worth and I really don't like myself about 80% of the time. How are you? So in a pathetic way, the fact that I am not married yet (or at the very least, satisfied with my lot in life) makes perfect sense. God wasn't having any of it that night in adoration. He'd listened to my self indulgent moping one too many times and decided it was time to bring out the sledgehammer. (He knocks me over the head with one periodically; it keeps me humble and I am sure it assists me in my travels towards heaven.) 

Maybe He thought He thought He was breaking it to me gently. Maybe I am a bit too sensitive. Maybe I am not sensitive enough. What needs to change? What a silly question to ask an all knowing being. My advice to you is to never ask God that question unless you are prepared to take His answer to heart and actually do something about it because I can guarantee you won't like yourself very much after He answers. Would you want to marry yourself? Well...no. Not really. I know myself too well. I know all of my flaws. My weaknesses. But it is a mistake to assume that those are things that hold us back from fulfilling our vocations in life. 

Find your weaknesses. Turn them into your strengths. Become someone you would fall in love with. I was already half way there; I know my weaknesses inside and out. I recite them to myself all the time, walking around, in conversations with other people, they are there playing in the background of my mind. Ever present, always a reminder that some part of me isn't good enough. How many of you know exactly what you need to do to better yourself but lack motivation or conviction? I had no good excuse. He showed me I already knew what I needed to change, I just hadn't done anything about it yet. I wanted to stay imperfect because imperfection is safe and if I strive for perfection I know I am going to fail. 

God told me I need to fail. I need to get good at failing. I am so scared to fail I let it keep me from loving and living the way God intended me to. No more. 

The fear is still there. Shortly after this long conversation with God in the adoration chapel, I was offered a job in France. My first reaction was to say no. I heard a voice in the back of my head saying Are you still trying to pretend you are in control of your life? And I said yes. I packed my things and headed to a country without knowing the people, without knowing the language, without knowing anything except that God had called me to be there. I tried saying yes to everything while I was there. I answered the phone. I ate the food offered to me. I started conversations with people. I spoke the little French I learned and braced myself for the smiles and the ridicule that never came. I walked around towns and cities without a map. I came close to hitchhiking but decided against it at the last minute. I was still afraid. I was terrified. I got lost. I resorted to hand signals and facial expressions when words wouldn't cut it with the three children in my care. The fear never completely went away but I started realizing that the temptation to be scared of something was usually a good indication of what I should be doing. And there is a freedom that comes with being scared of doing something, doing it anyway, and knowing you did a damn good job.

I got the job offer for Alaska when I was still in France. My initial reaction, again, was to say no because I missed home. If you are reading this and you have met me even once in my life, I missed you while I was in France. I recalled the face of every single person I had ever met and wished you could have been there with me. (Not just because I was scared out of my mind but because it was also a wonderful experience I wanted to share with all of you.) Even after all the growing I did in France, my first reaction is still to let my fears and weaknesses be the loudest voices in my head. I need a lot more practice saying no to them. That is why I am going to Alaska. 

I am done being dissatisfied with myself. I am done looking at other people's lives and wishing they were mine. I am done filling my time with books and avoiding interactions with real people and real situations that I won't always know the right response to. I am not done being afraid; I am done only being afraid. I am on a mission to become the best version of myself I can possibly be and simultaneously, to lose myself in God to the point where He and I are indistinguishable from one another. (Hence, the title of this blog...Aunt Susan, you almost won with "The Goods are Odd" but I am going to save that for the title of a post instead ;-) ) 

I am so sad and scared to be trying something so new. I feel like I just got back home and now I am leaving again. But I go where He calls me. I am done saying no.