this Glorious Pile of Dirt

...What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt...

Johnny Cash spoke openly of his earthly accomplishments (namely wealth and fame), but in his song Hurt, he notably refers to them as his “empire of dirt”. He offers to give them away, not sell them, implying that at the depth of his being he knew how truly worthless they are. Acknowledging how much attaining them had cost him. How much it had hurt.

I never thought I would be saying this, but I deeply empathize with this Hall of Fame Junkie. Because more and more often lately, it seems like people want my empire of dirt (my life here on earth). Or they want my empire of pure gold (my spiritual life). And I don't know how it looks so good to them. They must surely be insane.

Actually, let’s be realistic. My physical, mortal life is less like an empire and more like a pile. A glorious pile of dirt.

I'm not quite on Cash’s level just yet. I don't offer my life to those who imply with their actions and words that they want it. Sometimes it's because I'm watching out for the person; they truly don't know what they are asking for. But sometimes it is all I can do to forget the ones who try to talk me down or demean me in all kinds of ways. It's hard to keep quiet.

So like a perfectly normal, adjusted millenial, I have chosen to blog about it.

You cannot take someone else's physical or spiritual accomplishments from them. It is impossible. You will always be lacking in some way if you attempt to fill the spot of another person. You will never gain anything worth having, or be a person of merit, if you aren't willing to put in the same amount of time and sacrifice of the person you hope to emulate.

They say that immitation is the sincerest form of flattery. While this is true, there is a line that imitation should not cross.

The line begins and ends with your desire to do what is necessary to gain what the other person has that you want. I'm not saying that you should come up with some grand scheme in order to cheat your friend out of her essential oils business, or that you should steal your friend’s excellent wardrobe in the middle of the night. Not at all. But even that would be more commendable then needlessly and mercilessly putting your friend or acquaintance down out of spite, jealousy, or because they (unintentionally) make you feel inferior.

So often on social media these days, we see other people living the lives we want. We see travel, we see children, we see business accomplishments, we see people passing milestones that we think we should have passed a long, long time ago. We lose our way when we forget our own worth, and somehow think these other people that we envy got a special deal in life. That their lives are so much easier than ours. That they have what we deserve.

What I've gone through has been unique to me. Everyone's walk through life, everyone's path to holiness looks different because it is specifically tailored to the salvation of their soul. My life, both spiritual and non-spiritual, is designed with my eventual entry into heaven in mind. My suffering and my joy has all brought me to where I am right now in my life. It is a good road, but it is not an easy road by any means, and sometimes I am guilty of resenting people who imply that it was. They that speak of my spiritual life as something that can be possessed, not something that is a gift from God. Something that they have just as much right to as I do. Except joke’s on them, because I don't have any right to it at all. But I know that.

You do not deserve anyone else's accomplishments. You do not deserve anyone else’s spiritual life. You are not owed my spiritual experiences. You are not owed my consolation if you are not willing to live through my desolation. And besides, my consolations would make no sense to you. If I told you that my consolation was my suffering, what then? Where would that leave you? Because I guarantee that your spiritual life doesn't work like that.

I'm not trying to say I'm more special than any of you, or that I receive great favors. What I am saying is that it's a dangerous thing when you can look at someone else's prayer life or heck, even their regular life, and feel like it is owed to you. This world owes you nothing. You talking me down for having what you want doesn't change things and won't make you feel any better.

Living the life you want to live has nothing to do with what you deserve or how easy your life is, and everything to do with your disposition.

I've spent the better part of my life clothed in second hand clothing from other people. Sometimes I pass by shop windows or I see ads online and I admire the clean lines and the feel of clothing that has not yet been worn by other people. And I try it on and I look in the mirror and I see myself. And I thank God that He has protected me from ever being well-off enough to buy brand new clothes for myself. Because that is surely a road to hell for me. I'm happier in my threadbare t-shirts than I am in designer dresses from White House Black Market. Not because of the monetary value placed on such items; we all know that the T-shirt would lose. But because of my disposition. Simplicity breeds happiness. I find that I am well suited for simplicity, and therefore, happiness and satisfaction with what I have.

This is not to be confused with settling. Settling for a mundane job, that is a subpar use of your time and talents is not something I would encourage anyone to do. But what I would encourage you to do it's to learn the difference between settling for less and being happy with what you have. It's not an easy thing to discern. It takes prayer. Lots of it.

My first instinct was to tell you that you absolutely deserve to have the best life possible. You deserve supportive family and fun friends, a body that you're pleased with and clothes that you love putting on in the morning, to live somewhere that makes you feel happy to be alive and to feel God continuously by your side. These are all good things, and these are all things that I want for you.

But even as these words were about to leave my lips, I remembered that we are all human and thus, we deserve nothing. We were made from nothing and one day, when we die, our bodies will be nothing again. Nothing in this world lasts forever. So is it worth the angst and drama?

I don't think so. But don't take my word for it. Because all I've got to my name is this glorious pile of dirt.

Shine.

Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bushel, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:15-16

It’s that time of year. Time for resolutions and gymn memberships, diets, organization and reading lists. Everyone’s doing something.

Every year, I try to quit social media as my new year’s resolution. And every year, the Love of My Life gently requests I do not. Because I Listen to Him so well and do all He asks of me, I usually log out of my social media accounts anyway, with or without warning, and delete them off of my phone. Every year, He asks me not to do it but gladly welcomes me back when I start listening to Him again. We each have our own way of being the perpetual prodigal, don’t we?

My particular problem that results in my being perpetually prodigal person is people.

I don’t like people. I can’t stand them. I have a shirt that says “Ew, People” on it that I wear to social events (I met the Bishop wearing it) and first dates (there usually isn’t a second).

I’ve often said I want to be a hermit. I’m not joking. My dream is to live in a hut in the desert or in a cell attached to a church, where I can be hidden from all but God. Barring those options, I would settle for living out my days in a basement, housing a grand piano, surrounded by hundreds of books amd a sign on the front door saying “No admittance, even on party business”.

However, God is my dream come true, the deepest desire of my heart. *cue “Never Enough” from The Greatest Showman,* You set off a dream in me...His desires for me take precedence over any of my mediocre aspirations. He wants more from me than complacency, more than my solitude, more than any sacrifices. He demands from me every part of who I am including the parts I don’t consider valuable enough to give Him. He desires my passion, my salvation. Dear as my dreams are, His completely eclipse mine because they are designed with every part of me in mind, not just the pretty parts; His plans are wholly and uniquely made for me, as I am wholly and uniquely made for Christ.

He isn’t calling me to give up the world by entering a cloister. He isn’t calling me to give up social media under the ruse of “simplifying” my life. He isn’t calling me to give up ranch dressing. He’s not asking for sacrifice. He’s calling me into a rightly-ordered life. Balance. Moderation.

I want to quit social media. It's the thing to do right? It would make me less self centered, keep me from comparing myself to others and give me more free time to spend on God. And it would make my life easier, because social media, much like driving (although that is an entirely different conversation), is impeding my path towards heaven and holiness. I hear God far more clearly in the sound of silence. I feel His presence more strongly the farther I am removed from humanity. I swear I can feel Him slipping from my grasp every time I log back into facebook or instagram.

If you think I love you, I do but I’d be lying if I didn't say I love God more. The day I cease putting Him First is the day I cease to be myself and become something else entirely.

Thus does mankind’s perpetual struggle continue of keeping the eternal present in our daily lives, while existing in this mortal world.

It would be a good thing for me to get rid of it. But maybe this is about me learning to not let it impede my progress. It would be a good thing for me to get rid of it. It would be the best if I practiced the virtue of moderation and stopped allowing it to come between God and I. It is a good thing (a VERY good thing) that diapers exist for babies and small children. It is best when they are potty trained, when accidents are a thing of the past. It is a good thing that I love God to the exclusion of all else. It is best that I love Him more fully and completely, by learning to love Him in His creations that bear His Image in the world.

Quitting social media entirely would be far easier than learning how to balance it properly and I honestly cannot remember the last time He requested anything easy of me. I want to get rid of Instagram so I am less distracted, not as dragged down by the world and have more time for Him. He wants me to make time for Him while maintaining an online presence. He's calling me out of excess into moderation. Quitting would be easier.

I did log out this year, but briefly. I spent NYE in communion with Christ, praying and journalling and weeping like the lovelorn weirdo religion has made me. And then I logged right back in the next day, even though it's the last thing I wanted to do. I'm learning. And I’m done trying to do things my way, done suffocating my light with a bushel basket.

So this was a blog post all to say how I am not quitting social media for 2019. Or ever, most likely. It’s my favorite New Year’s Resolution, maybe because I never actually get the chance to carry it out.

What is God asking of you in 2019? What is He not asking of you, that you are trying to give Him anyways? Try giving Him yourself first. Give Him your obediance; let Him choose your resolution.

Pax Vobis.