My journey towards Alaska started last year around Christmas. I had two sisters recently engaged, their weddings approaching that were only six months apart. There was a flurry of activity, trying to get everything done. I am ashamed to admit in the midst of what should have been a joyful, celebratory time, I wasn't feeling very happy for them. I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself, wondering when my chance was going to come and feeling like no guy would ever propose to me. (I hope enough of you have been there before and aren't judging me too harshly.)
At some point during my long, drawn out pity party, I had an epiphany. An Aha moment. I read a simple phrase in passing online, a phrase I had heard many times before but this was the first time I was actually listening. Don't concentrate on finding the right guy, become the right girl first and God will take care of the rest. Like I said, I've heard it quite a few times before but I had never thought much of it. Just one of the many platitudes thrown about to help keep Christian girls content with the long guessing/waiting game that takes place before you ever walk down the isle. I took that quote to adoration with me that night and placed it before God. Okay God. I'm obviously not the right girl or the right guy would have swept me off my feet by now. What needs to change? It is probably one of the few times in my life I have really and truly prayed for something without trying to impose my own will on God. One of the few times I was listening with an open heart instead of listening only for what I wanted to hear.
I don't like myself very much. I've never made much of a secret of it but I'm guessing I haven't exactly announced it either. Hi, I'm Rachel. I struggle with self worth and I really don't like myself about 80% of the time. How are you? So in a pathetic way, the fact that I am not married yet (or at the very least, satisfied with my lot in life) makes perfect sense. God wasn't having any of it that night in adoration. He'd listened to my self indulgent moping one too many times and decided it was time to bring out the sledgehammer. (He knocks me over the head with one periodically; it keeps me humble and I am sure it assists me in my travels towards heaven.)
Maybe He thought He thought He was breaking it to me gently. Maybe I am a bit too sensitive. Maybe I am not sensitive enough. What needs to change? What a silly question to ask an all knowing being. My advice to you is to never ask God that question unless you are prepared to take His answer to heart and actually do something about it because I can guarantee you won't like yourself very much after He answers. Would you want to marry yourself? Well...no. Not really. I know myself too well. I know all of my flaws. My weaknesses. But it is a mistake to assume that those are things that hold us back from fulfilling our vocations in life.
Find your weaknesses. Turn them into your strengths. Become someone you would fall in love with. I was already half way there; I know my weaknesses inside and out. I recite them to myself all the time, walking around, in conversations with other people, they are there playing in the background of my mind. Ever present, always a reminder that some part of me isn't good enough. How many of you know exactly what you need to do to better yourself but lack motivation or conviction? I had no good excuse. He showed me I already knew what I needed to change, I just hadn't done anything about it yet. I wanted to stay imperfect because imperfection is safe and if I strive for perfection I know I am going to fail.
God told me I need to fail. I need to get good at failing. I am so scared to fail I let it keep me from loving and living the way God intended me to. No more.
The fear is still there. Shortly after this long conversation with God in the adoration chapel, I was offered a job in France. My first reaction was to say no. I heard a voice in the back of my head saying Are you still trying to pretend you are in control of your life? And I said yes. I packed my things and headed to a country without knowing the people, without knowing the language, without knowing anything except that God had called me to be there. I tried saying yes to everything while I was there. I answered the phone. I ate the food offered to me. I started conversations with people. I spoke the little French I learned and braced myself for the smiles and the ridicule that never came. I walked around towns and cities without a map. I came close to hitchhiking but decided against it at the last minute. I was still afraid. I was terrified. I got lost. I resorted to hand signals and facial expressions when words wouldn't cut it with the three children in my care. The fear never completely went away but I started realizing that the temptation to be scared of something was usually a good indication of what I should be doing. And there is a freedom that comes with being scared of doing something, doing it anyway, and knowing you did a damn good job.
I got the job offer for Alaska when I was still in France. My initial reaction, again, was to say no because I missed home. If you are reading this and you have met me even once in my life, I missed you while I was in France. I recalled the face of every single person I had ever met and wished you could have been there with me. (Not just because I was scared out of my mind but because it was also a wonderful experience I wanted to share with all of you.) Even after all the growing I did in France, my first reaction is still to let my fears and weaknesses be the loudest voices in my head. I need a lot more practice saying no to them. That is why I am going to Alaska.
I am done being dissatisfied with myself. I am done looking at other people's lives and wishing they were mine. I am done filling my time with books and avoiding interactions with real people and real situations that I won't always know the right response to. I am not done being afraid; I am done only being afraid. I am on a mission to become the best version of myself I can possibly be and simultaneously, to lose myself in God to the point where He and I are indistinguishable from one another. (Hence, the title of this blog...Aunt Susan, you almost won with "The Goods are Odd" but I am going to save that for the title of a post instead ;-) )
I am so sad and scared to be trying something so new. I feel like I just got back home and now I am leaving again. But I go where He calls me. I am done saying no.
