this Glorious Pile of Dirt

...What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt...

Johnny Cash spoke openly of his earthly accomplishments (namely wealth and fame), but in his song Hurt, he notably refers to them as his “empire of dirt”. He offers to give them away, not sell them, implying that at the depth of his being he knew how truly worthless they are. Acknowledging how much attaining them had cost him. How much it had hurt.

I never thought I would be saying this, but I deeply empathize with this Hall of Fame Junkie. Because more and more often lately, it seems like people want my empire of dirt (my life here on earth). Or they want my empire of pure gold (my spiritual life). And I don't know how it looks so good to them. They must surely be insane.

Actually, let’s be realistic. My physical, mortal life is less like an empire and more like a pile. A glorious pile of dirt.

I'm not quite on Cash’s level just yet. I don't offer my life to those who imply with their actions and words that they want it. Sometimes it's because I'm watching out for the person; they truly don't know what they are asking for. But sometimes it is all I can do to forget the ones who try to talk me down or demean me in all kinds of ways. It's hard to keep quiet.

So like a perfectly normal, adjusted millenial, I have chosen to blog about it.

You cannot take someone else's physical or spiritual accomplishments from them. It is impossible. You will always be lacking in some way if you attempt to fill the spot of another person. You will never gain anything worth having, or be a person of merit, if you aren't willing to put in the same amount of time and sacrifice of the person you hope to emulate.

They say that immitation is the sincerest form of flattery. While this is true, there is a line that imitation should not cross.

The line begins and ends with your desire to do what is necessary to gain what the other person has that you want. I'm not saying that you should come up with some grand scheme in order to cheat your friend out of her essential oils business, or that you should steal your friend’s excellent wardrobe in the middle of the night. Not at all. But even that would be more commendable then needlessly and mercilessly putting your friend or acquaintance down out of spite, jealousy, or because they (unintentionally) make you feel inferior.

So often on social media these days, we see other people living the lives we want. We see travel, we see children, we see business accomplishments, we see people passing milestones that we think we should have passed a long, long time ago. We lose our way when we forget our own worth, and somehow think these other people that we envy got a special deal in life. That their lives are so much easier than ours. That they have what we deserve.

What I've gone through has been unique to me. Everyone's walk through life, everyone's path to holiness looks different because it is specifically tailored to the salvation of their soul. My life, both spiritual and non-spiritual, is designed with my eventual entry into heaven in mind. My suffering and my joy has all brought me to where I am right now in my life. It is a good road, but it is not an easy road by any means, and sometimes I am guilty of resenting people who imply that it was. They that speak of my spiritual life as something that can be possessed, not something that is a gift from God. Something that they have just as much right to as I do. Except joke’s on them, because I don't have any right to it at all. But I know that.

You do not deserve anyone else's accomplishments. You do not deserve anyone else’s spiritual life. You are not owed my spiritual experiences. You are not owed my consolation if you are not willing to live through my desolation. And besides, my consolations would make no sense to you. If I told you that my consolation was my suffering, what then? Where would that leave you? Because I guarantee that your spiritual life doesn't work like that.

I'm not trying to say I'm more special than any of you, or that I receive great favors. What I am saying is that it's a dangerous thing when you can look at someone else's prayer life or heck, even their regular life, and feel like it is owed to you. This world owes you nothing. You talking me down for having what you want doesn't change things and won't make you feel any better.

Living the life you want to live has nothing to do with what you deserve or how easy your life is, and everything to do with your disposition.

I've spent the better part of my life clothed in second hand clothing from other people. Sometimes I pass by shop windows or I see ads online and I admire the clean lines and the feel of clothing that has not yet been worn by other people. And I try it on and I look in the mirror and I see myself. And I thank God that He has protected me from ever being well-off enough to buy brand new clothes for myself. Because that is surely a road to hell for me. I'm happier in my threadbare t-shirts than I am in designer dresses from White House Black Market. Not because of the monetary value placed on such items; we all know that the T-shirt would lose. But because of my disposition. Simplicity breeds happiness. I find that I am well suited for simplicity, and therefore, happiness and satisfaction with what I have.

This is not to be confused with settling. Settling for a mundane job, that is a subpar use of your time and talents is not something I would encourage anyone to do. But what I would encourage you to do it's to learn the difference between settling for less and being happy with what you have. It's not an easy thing to discern. It takes prayer. Lots of it.

My first instinct was to tell you that you absolutely deserve to have the best life possible. You deserve supportive family and fun friends, a body that you're pleased with and clothes that you love putting on in the morning, to live somewhere that makes you feel happy to be alive and to feel God continuously by your side. These are all good things, and these are all things that I want for you.

But even as these words were about to leave my lips, I remembered that we are all human and thus, we deserve nothing. We were made from nothing and one day, when we die, our bodies will be nothing again. Nothing in this world lasts forever. So is it worth the angst and drama?

I don't think so. But don't take my word for it. Because all I've got to my name is this glorious pile of dirt.